Hello
Today, I want to do some deeper personal thinking.
Earlier, I was thinking about my mother. I will get back to that in a moment.
First, I want to talk about Japanese. I had lunch with my volunteer coordinator because today was my last day working with him (6/5/2024) and I told him that I am learning Japanese because I like anime and because I like challenges. Just now, while completing an assignment, I was imagining showing my mother my work and probing a ‘wow’ response. I want to say, and I will say, “How did I end up here? Did you ever think that your son would be studying Japanese?” Doing a little bit of psychoanalysis on myself, I wonder if I like challenges for the challenge itself or for the way my accomplishments cause other people to react. Having any significant accomplishment instills confidence. I know that, but deep down, I do not know if I do it to prove something to myself or to prove something to others about me. The answer might not be so straightforward, but I am in the process of discovering myself and what I really love. I like being an impressive human. I think that most people like to impress others. Some people live to play status games. I do not know if I am quite one of those people. I might very well be, but I have not identified myself yet.
Japanese is just an example, but I set high standards and goals for myself around the board. Continuing with Japanese, I know that a primary motive for learning the language is because I enjoy the media and Japanese culture, but I know that that is only one of my motivations. I am challenged by the way learning Japanese as a second language makes me perceived by others. I despise the idea of telling people that I know the language just to impress them, but I crave the feeling of having skill, having mastery, of challenging things. It is almost like armor, in a sense. It is almost like a hidden weapon. Similar to how a party trick can be concealed for that one special moment in the friend group, I do fantasize that one day I will surprise people with my Japanese fluency. Humans are social, and many of us are competitive. I do not think that it is wrong to want to impress people, but I debate with myself whether it is a reliable source of motivation. At the end of the day, does it really make me happy or make the world better?
Going back to my mother specifically. I was deeply considering the thought of what reality for me would be like if I lost my mother. It is a difficult thought for me, especially since I am an only child who was raised in her single parent’s home. I have always been fairly detached from my emotions. I am a very emotional person, but my logical, functioning side remains distant from my emotional side. This is the way that I was born. This is the way that I have been conditioned. I acknowledge that this allows me to do incredible things. I can push myself in ways that many people struggle to. I can make sacrifices that many are unwilling to make. The curse of this blessing is that I am rarely immediately aware of my emotions. I am not a psychopath; I feel deep emotional excitement and pain for both myself and others, but I often have to actively evaluate how I feel. Intimately thinking about the world where I exist without my mother is almost unfathomable, yet I feel like I take her loving presence for granted. I am also practicing gratitude, and there is no one I can possibly be more grateful for. Having really come into my own and begun down a path that is uncertain but confident, I am relieved. I am relieved because I know that if my life were not organized in the direction it is, the inevitable loss of my mother might destroy me. Regardless, it will destroy me, but I believe that I am gathering the support that will allow me to eventually recover. I have evaluated the hazards of life that can derail a person, and death is one that I fear the most. I fear it because I know that I am currently powerless against it, especially when it comes to the lives of others. I am strong, but add death to the list of life events that could break my mental security. Connections like the one I have with my mother are so deeply integrated into my perception of the world. Along with my semi-detachment from emotions, I am living naively. The world will change, and I have to anticipate what is inevitable. I have to anticipate it and do my best now to give my heart to what is important.
Sitting in the international wing of the Los Angeles airport has offered me a new experience. I was just thinking about how close I am to every part of the world in this one terminal section. I could be going to any country. I could have never left America (the U.S.). The mix of Spanish, Manarin, and accented English is something special.
Still in the same LAX airport 24 hours later… I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s pretend I didn’t spend a day of my life alone in an airport. Airport food is some of the most expensive food around in any city. At least for the portions and quality. I recognize this markup as a quick waste of money, a trick to sap money out of the desperate, trapped souls on their airborne interloops. Inherently, it seems like a waste of money to me. I thought as I was walking down that I need to find my own business where I can charge others, as most businesses do, for convenience. I thought of this, and then I challenged my frugality. I can’t spend $10 more on a sandwich, but I can afford to spend a day in the airport? That equation does not work out. I am focused on savings, but I need to see income more. The invisible sums of money lost by inaction, if realized, would make most small savings, like food, seem petty, which I am now realizing they are.
Another side of this is that I am too self-sacrificing. I want to do incredible things, but I will put myself below others. This is profoundly different from putting others before myself. I will cheat myself on what I have earned, on basic pleasure, and on common human niceties, and then I will expect the most out of myself. I wonder why I feel so short when I am cutting myself to the root at both ends. I need to be kinder to myself if I ever want to do more for me. I am one person, but I am a person who feels as much as any other. Why can I not be first sometimes, feel happy to be awarded, and take joy from the victory? The no-pleasure, no-reward life is not living at all. I do not know another way. Again, I am so disconnected from the moment. I do not know how to enjoy it. Everything is a means to an end. Live man! The world is before you!
Wait, I can just enjoy life? I do not have anything to prove to anyone? I said that I would no longer live for the approval of others. Fail, make mistakes, be foolish, and smile 😁. This is human. This is you. Is it not?
Kekoi-San was the name of the man I spoke to on the plane. He was nice.
This is all for this week. This has been very therapeutic. This has been Tristan. It always will be Tristan. Bye, you all! You guys, too!