Today, I want to talk about the future. I think a lot about the future, and I am conflicted about the life I want to live. Many worry about being stuck in the past; in many ways, I am, but I am beginning to worry about the outcomes of living my life in the future.
I have been working to discover where I am going, and I am still very much in search of my own wisdom. I personally do not have much fear about physically moving, but starting life—starting a new chapter—gives me anxiety. I now have university, but there are 101 questions I still need to answer. I have faith in the future, whatever that means. I have some solid ideas within health, aging, and medicine. Let’s see where I go.
Talking to my mother the other day, I began to question how far confidence or belief in my ability has taken me. How much of what I can do is natural skill, and how much of it is the result of applying myself? This question might not be so black, white, or even gray, so why do I wonder for an answer? My curiosity about this question comes from my curiosity about the person I am becoming. Is who I am becoming already made, or must his sculpture be constantly reminded? Must I struggle the whole way to the top, or am I already on the trajectory of the success I desire, given to me by who I am? How much can I meaningfully influence this future? A part of me tells me to be more present; I think this is right, but I often find it scary and challenging. I like to relish in the imaginary blissful future that I will create with my present ambition, even if I am unsure that I will ever allow myself to enjoy the fruit completely.
What makes me a high-performer? What gives me great ambition? What role does my perception of myself play in my real output?
Let me inject by saying that I feel a sense of grandiosity, a purpose that only I can fulfill. I feel great pressure when thinking about the opportunities that I can provide for the future of my family, the future of my legacy, and the future of the world. This is drowned in ego, but what are my alternatives? I have considered the alternative of minimizing myself and falling into the flow. It is so easy to let the world hold the locus, but this can’t be right either. I can do so much if I apply myself and if I work hard; however, I have already set myself up to have a beautiful life if I lean into the flow. Following my intuition, not worrying, and letting honesty guide me—strange that this feels selfish.
I happened to be watching the 1971 movie Duel with my mother the other day on vacation. As I was falling asleep watching the movie, a quote stuck out to me:
“Then one stupid thing happens—twenty, twenty-five minutes out of your whole life—and all the ropes that kept you hanging in there get cut loose. And it’s like, there you are, right back in the jungle again.”
The end of this last semester took my mind on a rollercoaster of motivation, doubt, intensity, weakness, indestructibility, and basic inability. I felt like I had evolved beyond regression, but I quickly realized how close the past I am running away from (my jungle) lurks in my shadow. I must never again degrade myself to this level with unrealistic expectations. I must also not take my gifts for granted. Thread the line, Tristan.
I began listening to Modern Wisdom again occasionally. I felt like I did not have time to do so recently. Last night (5/18), I began listening to Modern Wisdom episode #780 with Tim Ferris. Having only listened to the first 20 minutes, I can see myself in Tim’s expression of ideas: “Effectiveness is what you do; efficiency is how you do something.” The drive, I would say for a lot of people, is to engage in productivity theater. To do things that can be passed on to yourself or to others as productive” (3:20). “How can I succeed even if I fail? Which of these will help me to develop or deepen skills, develop or deepen relationships the most? Even if they fail by external metrics, I will bias towards choosing that project. (6:30) “I am more of a generalist. I’m attempting to be the only, not the best” (11:00). All three of these thoughts resonate with me. I might not have put them into words, but I am very familiar with each. I have, on multiple occasions, related a similar thought about productivity and “efficiency.” I make many decisions based on what I can learn from the process, and I relate to his self-observation of being a generalist.
I also had an idea for an analogy while driving the other day. People seem to form packs—small lines of cars following each other even when there is no traffic. I’m sure that this has a name, but I would call it something like “highway herding” or “line chaining.” Maybe people follow this pattern because they are more comfortable with being behind someone else, maybe they are not in much of a rush, or maybe they are afraid of the consequences of being caught speeding. Everyone picks their lane, and I think the lane that people choose can be linked to the state of the person and the risk-taking behavior of the driver. Do you take the slow lane? Driving is very dangerous. Do you take the fast lane? Do you speed past others with determination or relax with the pack? There are many important things to do that are not driving. Either way, what is your destination, and why are you on the road?
Finally, for this week, I have been reflecting on my diet and weight journey. I had originally focused on weight loss for a 10-mile race and not being overweight. I ultimately hit a point where I was malnourishing myself, and I think that my stress returned me to the other end of overeating or eating too much of certain foods. I still have yet to find what is best for my body, and I think it has affected my sleep on both ends. I will be continuing this journey and the experimentation process. I aim to eat more whole foods and increase my weekly running mileage.
This is it for this week. This has been Tristan. It always will be Tristan. Bye to you!