On my drive home, I was really enjoying my retro Japanese music. I am not able to understand most of the lyrics at this point in time, but I could imagine a future where I fall in love with some exploration of culture, such as Japanese music. I have struggled to identify something that maximizes my ability. I could be many things, but I feel like if I limit myself to my ambition, I might cut myself short of my potential. But I had the idea that this potential-to-skill line is intercepted by love for a subject. If our love for a subject is very high, our potential for this work will be much greater than even something that we do not love but have the skill to accomplish. This is obvious in certain hypothetical situations. If I can understand high-level math but hate the process, I would be incentivized to avoid a career in mathematics. One of the great freedoms given to me is the ability to choose something that I am both skilled at and passionate about. I was just expressing how this freedom seems paralyzing at times because decisions, especially decisions about a life career, can be difficult. However, I have found comfort in the idea that I do not have to make the decision based on skill alone. If I find something that I love, the decision might be made for me. In many ways, I might be looking for the wrong thing—as cliche as it sounds, love might reveal the answer I have been searching for all along.
My hypothetical above was derived from real experience—I have always been okay at math, and I can grasp concepts well. Because of this, as a young child, I always said that I would be an engineer. While the life of an engineer still has some appeal to me, I never found the zeal for numbers like I find in the more obscure. By this, I mean that I just do not enjoy computation. This is unfortunate because I am inspired by the relationship between math and our physical world. Math is in many ways very interesting to me, but at the same time, I find the process of doing computational work draining. There is a beautiful world in mathematics that might literally simplify the universe, and I can understand why one might dedicate their life to a pursuit such as this, but given one life, I am forced to explore other domains. How cool is it to hear the universe, speak with the stars, and touch the unimaginably finite? The mock language of the gods.
I was thinking today about the value of my time and my work. I am not using this source today, but I will leave it here for a future conversation.
Hobson, John A. “The Subjective and the Objective View of Distribution.” The Annals of the American Academy of Political and Social Science, vol. 4, 1893, pp. 42–67. JSTOR, http://www.jstor.org/stable/1009037. Accessed 24 Apr. 2024.
My pen stopped writing. At first, I thought that I had maybe been holding it wrong or writing at a weird angle, but not; I had used all of the ink in the pen. This is the first time I have ever experienced a pen running out of ink. Is this a secret signal for adulthood? A right of passage. It is only a pen, but it does have significance that I have written enough words with one pen long enough for it to run out of ink. It signifies consistency, a repetition, that I have repeatedly experienced this past year’s time, unlike anything that I ever experienced in the former 20 years of my life.
I think that a large portion of my confidence is genuine, but I also think that I hit my high of confidence built on an ego built on the perception of everything that I was doing. Although this ego means nothing, it has artificially propped up my confidence, so any dent in my ego shatters me. I hate being so fragile, but I guess in the pursuit of my ambition, I required an amount of confidence that I was unable to cultivate naturally and genuinely in the time that I was given. My ego served its purpose at the time. Now, I must return to that high through the construction of something more tangible than the self-perception and numbers that have fueled me the past 8 months. It is corrosive. The stress is chronic, and this solution is not withstanding.
Some of my takeaways and what I will be presenting about my Youth and Community Studies (YCS) Fellows program.
This program has…
- Opened my mind to my belonging at ACC and UT.
I have found a lot of value in being told that I belong, but being able to actively participate with a group of peers on campus and work alongside faculty substantiates the meaning.
- Given me a new perspective on vulnerability.
I have found that the world appeals to the illusion of perfection and strength. As someone who holds himself to a high level of ambition, I have often confused vulnerability for weakness. I will do remarkable things, but I must not forget that I am but a man among men.
- Reminded me of the value of my voice.
I must not forget that when I am a part of any group or community, my voice has value. Oftentimes, my ideas and motivations are shared among those that surround me—There are others waiting to be helped, and even more waiting to help me if I am bold enough to speak.
- Given me tools and ideas for growth.
Restorative practices—group communication and listening—have revealed themselves to me as valuable tools that I can apply in future professional settings, with family, and alongside those that make up the many communities that I maintain membership in. In addition to working within the UTA campus, I have also been able to form connections here that give me something tangible. This moment is a part of my journey, as it is, in some way, also yours. Whether I am a UT student or not, I am now a part of this community, and I have learned the power of networking. I believe that we have all been brought here today for some purpose. How the future is bound, I do not know; however, feeling this moment gives me hope. Thank you all for sharing some time with me.
I have always felt connected to the world; whether it be through botany, cooking, the physical sciences, health, or human nature, there is something intuitive. I need to explore, relate, and develop my skills.
俳句 – はいく – haiku
For the unanswered
Sincerity give witness
Opportunity
When questioning all
Standing independently
The answer is yours
Broken and damaged
What is presented to you
Opportunity
The future is ours
Continue uncertainly
Happiness is now
Work and strategy
Stress is of the abhorrent
Opportunity
This week was, well… this week. This has been Tristan. It will always be Tristan. I will catch you all next week! Bye!