Modern Wisdom #798:
11:00 – Actualizing gains. I put so much time in, and I had fatigued myself without retracting and actualizing. I am actualizing more now. This balance I need to improve.
33:00 – Living a sustainable lifestyle—the idea that the psychological might provide a net positive even if the isolated effects are defined as negative.
36:00 – Seasonality of life and nothing exists in isolation.
I had a dream last night where I was in a bus traveling with people that were something like my classmates. The bus driver noticed that the brakes weren’t working, and we had to go off onto the side of the road to stop. Although there was inherent danger during the dream, I was more excited for the chaos than worried about the outcome. Shortly after that, however, I was worried about misplacing my things, especially my headphones. I think this encapsulates my fears and anxieties well.
Something that I’m still learning, something that I have come to learn a lot more recently, is the fact that there are things that I do not like and other people do. This seems so simple, but only living from my own consciousness, it is hard not to project my own perceptions of the world onto the rest of the population. For so long, I have struggled to understand how people live the lives that they do because, for me, I imagine myself miserable in their shoes. What would be interesting to me would be to see how high my expectations and demands compare to the average. It seems most likely to me that I am like most other people; that is only logical, but at the same time, I am continuously pressed to believe that there is something unique about my perception. This is one of those “blessings and curses.“ The things that I want in my life push me to do things that most people likely wouldn’t do, but it also leaves me to feel unsatisfied a lot of the time. The compromise between joy and success or pleasure and ability continues to confound me. I keep hearing it in modern wisdom: “exchanging the thing we want for the thing that is supposed to give it to us.“ The real reality is that the equation is much more complicated than one for one. If I existed solely on this earth cohabited by nothing, no one, and no future, maybe this would be rational. What I have come to learn is that I can’t live this way, simply because I live among many other humans, and I live before the likely existence of many, many more. Selfishly, I could live a magnificent life and contribute the minimal amount to produce the most pleasure. Ironically, living this way would leave me with regret because I see the potential for the future as much more than the value of my own individual life. Maybe a better way to put it would be, there’s so much more value I could take out of my life if pleasure is not the focus. For me, I currently believe that my legacy transcends most all my motivations and existential desires. Because of this, my reputation, my family, and my contributions to the world mean so much more to me than just living a happy life. I have this grandiose perception of myself that curses me to never be satisfied but also empowers me towards incredible aspirations.
I am light skin. This makes me the literal gray area that divides our country’s history. Everyone wants me to succeed because I am the underdog. I am a part of a historically disenfranchised class. Simultaneously, they fear my success because it diminishes their excuses and failures lie within their existence, present and past. This is because ultimately, we are more similar than different, all of us.
I was thinking about all of the restrictions that I put on myself to improve my health and further my goals. There is more than one post here about “productivity.” It worked, but it was also unsustainable and damaging. There are aspects of what I did that I idolize, but reflecting now, I don’t believe that all of them were essential to my success but simply added suffering. One example of this would be the cold showers that I would take almost every day. While I did find them refreshing, it made every shower unenjoyable. I am now factoring enjoyment into my equation for productivity. I no longer see enjoyment as extraneous. Instead I see it as a balance. I must not neglect myself or overindulge. This is what I’m learning now. I often find myself on the ends of extremes. And someways it is easier for me to absolutely restrict pleasure than to give myself a healthy amount. I recognize now that my best, healthiest, most productive, impactful self exists within this balance, not on either of the extremes like I once thought. It might’ve been required in this past season of life to exist on the edge, but no longer must I live that way. No longer should I live that way if it is a meaningful future that I want to have.
I have also been thinking about all the support that is in the world given out to those that are “in need.” Unfortunately, I found that those in need often struggle to find the support that’s looking for them. Ironically, those that do not need the support as much often take full advantage of it. I was thinking, how can a homeless man be nowhere to find the donated food if he cannot find the shelter? How can someone apply for grants when they’re working full-time to pay their bills? How can people educate themselves when the education that they need limits them from the beginning? This is on my mind because I signed up for a program that helps college students save by promising to match a simple savings goal. I was able to complete it because I already have a solid understanding of what it means to save, so I took advantage. Those who struggle to say or have neglected the program because of their lack of education and lack of knowledge, that I am fortunate to have, are denied support—they are earned no match reward. They do not progress, but I do. How many thousands of dollars have I lost by not applying to scholarships because I never learned how? How many opportunities have I missed simply because I didn’t even see the door? There are many people in this world that have achieved ‘excessive’ levels of success. Because of this, there must be a lot of people desperate to help others in need. Despite this, it seems like the struggle is as desperate as it ever has been. This is just another compounding advantage that I’ve been thinking about.
Talking about advantages, I feel like my eyes have been opened to all the limitations that I placed on myself and the foolishness that many subjugate themselves to attempts for identity, denial, simplicity, or belief and something that just isn’t real. This is especially true among people who are successful because their success blinds them to their inabilities and their shortcomings. What if we cut out all the fillers? What if we optimized the biggest levers while maintaining a joyful life? What if we just did all the right things that we know we should and were able to adapt immediately to updated information? If we let go of all the irrational fears that limit our progression? What if we did all this well being the happiest person we can imagine? What if we realized all the blessings and, even in times of struggle, focused on the endless joy of life that is the existence of many living now? How far do you think this person, this imaginary figurative person, would go?
To finish this week, I will add something personal. I had a ‘hard’ conversation with my mother. As I grow as an adult, with my mother with more life experience, I have been able to reflect on the relationship. I have become old enough to question and critique my parents. With this comes the new challenge of navigating the growth of not only myself but also how my changes interact with these relationships. I am continually forced to adapt to the new experiences and innovations of education. This poses a challenge because I cannot expect or in any way demand my parents to change at the rate I wish they would. They have lived twice my life, so they have cemented behaviors and beliefs. Additionally, they both have pains and traumas brought on to them by life. Events of others, especially during times before I was alive, are hard for me to relate to, but it is not fair for me to ignore. Going forward, I will learn what I can from their knowledge, demonstrate my success, offer advice and motivation, and give my parents all of the love that I can. This is my responsibility as a son and future father.
This is all that I have this week. One more week, and then we will be shifting it to something new. This has been Tristan! See you next week! Bye!