Hello universities, my future self, and all readers!
I do not know the reality of anyone other than me reading this post, but this is a message. What does it say that I assume that this will be viewed?
This is going to be a reflection to probe who I am, and in this brief analysis, I will finish what I started last week.
For context, I am a community college student who plans to transfer to universities in the fall of 2024. I am a very ambitious student. I have pushed myself very hard to become the best I could be by this application cycle deadline, but the more that I learn, the more that I realize that I have more to learn. Here I am reminded of a quote from Neil Degrasse Tyson’s Master Class advertisement: “One of the great challenges in this world is knowing enough about a subject to think you’re right but not enough about the subject to know that you are wrong.” I keep going through this cycle of knowledge and bigger-picture awakening that contradicts what I previously believed. With so much uncertainty in the present moment, this cycle creates many doubts and confusions.
My initial goal was to compensate for any “lost time.” I wanted to expedite the process of self-discovery. In many ways, I believe that I was successful, but I have built up so many layers of identity to make myself into someone who can achieve my goals that I have partially lost sight of what is genuine. In all fairness, I did not know what was genuine when I started. Within all that I have gone through, I have made important developments towards my most authentic self, but where I am now, I have not given myself time to mentally process my thoughts to work out their value.
I say all of this to say that I do not know exactly who I am or what I want conclusively right now. I am wondering if this is temporary or a particle of ambitious human consciousness. After dozens of essays over the last couple of months, all related to my goals and identity, I have come to better understand myself, or at least the persona in which I am living now. The issue is that, with so much happening, I feel like my mind is trying to find footing in the middle of the ocean. I know that when I find my next island, I will feel secure again, but I cannot see.
Because I know that I will never be relieved by lies, I put my honest self into every essay. However, I am learning so much that each week I feel distant from the self that wrote my oldest words. Is this maturity, or is it a consequence of my “compensation” strategy? This might again be a particle of life that I am not wise enough to digest. I want you to see the real me—I want to see the real me!—because I know that he is the man who will do remarkable things. I just do not believe I have given myself enough time to let him develop… At least not in my own mind. I have played with productivity and optimization a handful of times on this blog and repeatedly in my own. Time is a word that I am still discovering.
I pray that through my words, despite their premature exposition, you can see me, but I know that this is a self-centric expectation. Conversely, I also believe that it is a fool who waits for perfection to extend their heart out earnestly to another. I have been a fool before. Because of these, it was endlessly motivating to chase these deadlines. In the limbo state that I am in, it breaks my heart and hollows my soul to know that this might be the last time that we connect. Although we may be apart, I take solace in my belief that we will all continue to grow. Although I have attached a large portion of my self-worth to this pursuit (the hollowing of my soul, remember?), my hope resides in my own hands. I invite you to follow me as my life begins to intersect with the future.
If nothing else that I say is true, let the following brand my existence: I am someone with the ability to inspire humanity. I give everything to my future kin. The life I live is in service of the internal peace that I accept I may never discover.
I am the son of two flawed humans, yet I strive for flawlessness. This is naivety in its purest form, but it is this delusive self-expectation that has made me extraordinary. My expectations force me to walk through fire. Right now, I might be slightly out of my mind; however, my intuition is hot. The fire that I walk through is a privilege, so I will proudly walk if it can lead me to actualizing any piece to the three truths above. I am learning that it is okay to be bottlenecked by my physical. I am human too: simpler words have never been more difficult to say. I am a human named Tristan. It is nice to make your acquaintance… Get a load of this guy.
I will finish the thought from last week: “my thoughts on ‘enjoying life’ and letting genuine emotion be my guide.”
I have played the “push your limits until you can stand no more” game to prove something to both others and to myself. I can do quite a lot and do it all quite successfully and efficiently. I am proud of my ability. I need no further proof of who I am. I cannot allow myself to be a fool that chases accolades and appearances any longer; I need to commit to meaningful work. This I must do for my own sanity. I do not want to search forever; I want to live life and experience and love. These might not bring my heart to the peace I desire, but neither will the endless suffering and straining every last drop out of my bosom—I am a feeling Shakespearean. I have never read Romeo and Juliet. It has been too long since I read for myself—I just need to find balance. This is part of my next adaptation.
That is all that I have for you beautiful people this week. Hello University! What an amazing time. I will be here next week, and Tristan will be here the week after that! It’s been Tristan from HQ. It will always be Tristan! Bye bye.