Author: Tristan

So this is it. This is the 52nd post on this blog! 1000 words a week. In this blog, there are over 52,000 words that I have written this year. This post will be the final post for my first year, and I have decided that it will be the final weekly post that I commit to. If I have an idea or the urge to narrate my thoughts in words, I will have this platform to turn to. For now, I want to express myself more in other mediums—I will be doing more vocal and visual expressions in place of textual. I aspire to achieve equal or greater outputs to what I have given here every week, but I plan to do something different. As cliche as it is, this is really a new beginning, not an end.

You might ask, “Why are you deciding to shift gears?” The simple answer is because I am not enjoying writing as much as I am enjoying video making and art. I do not necessarily see on as superior, but instead, I am more or less following my personal preference. Additionally, I feel more connected to other people when I produce content through other mediums. Here, the connection to my mind is very direct and absolute. Typed words offer clarity offered to them by their precision. The meaning of a word can be very contextual, but it is exact; with a lot of exact pieces of information, great detail and specificity can be translated. However, with this comes a decreased neuance and interpretation, placing much more of the emphasis on the writer than the reader. From this imbalance comes a vulnerability that is dissolved by the abstraction through interpretation of visual art or through the much more interactive flow of speech (spoken words have a tone, pitch, pace, and impermenence unlike words on a page). Again, one is not better than the other for communication unless we are speaking in terms of specifics (documentation of history is best recorded through text because of the precision of text; imagery is best illustrated with pictures because of the addition of color and space). These mediums are all the tools of artists. We could live in a world of only nails or screws, but we also construct with glue. Put everything together, and we might have a creation that is greater than any one alone. Contradicting myself, there is also a value to simplicity. In art, I currently believe that it is about finding the application, the tool, that gives the artist their personal greatest leverage in producing the most meaningful output. Input can be related to value, but the only real value is what is produced, the output. I can put a thousand hours into a book, but if I do not enjoy writing and I am focused on the work instead of what my book could provide my reader, the art becomes much less valuable. I am learning that the product is the value of any business, not the complexity of manufacturing. The same can be found in daily schedules—we can spend all day making dinner, but that is not going to put more food on the table tomorrow. Some more of this idea can be found in Modern Wisdom #801

I am simply trying something new, something that I believe I will enjoy and something that I believe will provide me with a more motivating output, an output that has more value. That isn’t to say that this blog has had no value. Even if I am the only one to ever read the words that I am writing, it has more than served a purpose. For the value alone that it provided me by being a consistent part of this last chapter of my life, it is invaluable. Writing weekly has kept me consistent; it has allowed me to express myself; it has been my therapy; and it has also been a partial documentation of my mind. Without the time that I have spent writing these words, I could have become the person I am today, so as I transition into something new, there is absolutely no regret or disappointment. I have learned about what it means to put myself out into the world, to create a website, to share, to express myself through writing, and to grow confidence around words. All of the processes and skills that I have developed I will take with me to make the next chapter that much more incredible! It has been wonderful, and now I must say goodbye for what is next.

This mushy stuff is starting to get lame, but the relationship I had here will always remain a very special part of my past. It has documented the most fast-paced, extreme year of my life so far. As a reader alone, the evolutions that I have gone through not only as a writer but as an ever adapting human in a dynamic world are profound to me. One example of this is with my diet. Another is with how in tune I am with my values. Another is a comfort that I have developed with myself and my future. All of these are active areas with more room for growth, but I have gained formative experiences. One of the areas that I will be focusing on is gratitude and emotional awareness. I want to improve how I interact with happiness and be more conscious of my emotions overall. 

As I am transitioning through new environments and knowledge, I am turbulent right now. I am experimenting with relationships, continuing to learn new people, maturing with my friends, making new friends, planning my formal education, reshaping my physical health, and discovering what it is that I want most out of this life.

I have not read all 51 posts before this one recently. To anyone reading this now, let me explicitly express that even at the end of this experience and going into the future, I still have a lot to learn. I want this blog to remain a part of me, but it by itself marks a time in the past. Although, at this moment, I am unsure if every post will remain public forever, I never intend to ‘correct’ the words that I previously wrote here. May all my words remain free and unfiltered. Please recognize that I likely made many mistakes or lacked the knowledge to express my best self throughout time. If you are interested in returning to an old post or have read posts prior to this one, please try to recognize the whole context.

I had a reflection while listening to Modern Wisdom #822: I was likely sleeping poorly near the end of last year because of my low-carb diet, causing me to have low blood sugar early in the morning. They talk about this in the episode. I am also curious to know how increasing fat intake affects my mood. I am also becoming of the kind that intuitive eating while being aware of food quality (limits hyperpalatable foods and helps to regulate nutrient intake), macro balance (ensures a balance of energy nutrients, blood sugar, and recovery), quality sleep (regulates hunger hormones and maintains cognitive stability), routine exercise (corrects appetite signaling—#798 and helps maintain cardiovascular and muscular fitness), and emotional eating (illusory hunger used to distract or sooth) is the most ideal way to approach diet unless a specific body composition is desired (going to extremes requires an increasing precision depending on desired result). I will let you know how this goes. Calorie/macro counting will always be foolproof, but constantly managing this lifestyle is unrealistic for people without very specific health goals. This will give me something to return to in the future. One thing I learned about myself through this blog is that I rarely return to old ideas; I crave novelty.

The proud and magnificent train wreck as always! This has been Tristan. I will see you next week, but you might not see me here. It has been my pleasure to write for you, as I expect my service will continue to be. It is an ache and a relief to be unsure of hello’s return. Always my best. Goodbye!

Modern Wisdom #798:

11:00 – Actualizing gains. I put so much time in, and I had fatigued myself without retracting and actualizing. I am actualizing more now. This balance I need to improve.

33:00 – Living a sustainable lifestyle—the idea that the psychological might provide a net positive even if the isolated effects are defined as negative.

36:00 – Seasonality of life and nothing exists in isolation. 

I had a dream last night where I was in a bus traveling with people that were something like my classmates. The bus driver noticed that the brakes weren’t working, and we had to go off onto the side of the road to stop. Although there was inherent danger during the dream, I was more excited for the chaos than worried about the outcome. Shortly after that, however, I was worried about misplacing my things, especially my headphones. I think this encapsulates my fears and anxieties well.

Something that I’m still learning, something that I have come to learn a lot more recently, is the fact that there are things that I do not like and other people do. This seems so simple, but only living from my own consciousness, it is hard not to project my own perceptions of the world onto the rest of the population. For so long, I have struggled to understand how people live the lives that they do because, for me, I imagine myself miserable in their shoes. What would be interesting to me would be to see how high my expectations and demands compare to the average. It seems most likely to me that I am like most other people; that is only logical, but at the same time, I am continuously pressed to believe that there is something unique about my perception. This is one of those “blessings and curses.“ The things that I want in my life push me to do things that most people likely wouldn’t do, but it also leaves me to feel unsatisfied a lot of the time. The compromise between joy and success or pleasure and ability continues to confound me. I keep hearing it in modern wisdom: “exchanging the thing we want for the thing that is supposed to give it to us.“ The real reality is that the equation is much more complicated than one for one. If I existed solely on this earth cohabited by nothing, no one, and no future, maybe this would be rational. What I have come to learn is that I can’t live this way, simply because I live among many other humans, and I live before the likely existence of many, many more. Selfishly, I could live a magnificent life and contribute the minimal amount to produce the most pleasure. Ironically, living this way would leave me with regret because I see the potential for the future as much more than the value of my own individual life. Maybe a better way to put it would be, there’s so much more value I could take out of my life if pleasure is not the focus. For me, I currently believe that my legacy transcends most all my motivations and existential desires. Because of this, my reputation, my family, and my contributions to the world mean so much more to me than just living a happy life. I have this grandiose perception of myself that curses me to never be satisfied but also empowers me towards incredible aspirations.

I am light skin. This makes me the literal gray area that divides our country’s history. Everyone wants me to succeed because I am the underdog. I am a part of a historically disenfranchised class. Simultaneously, they fear my success because it diminishes their excuses and failures lie within their existence, present and past. This is because ultimately, we are more similar than different, all of us.

I was thinking about all of the restrictions that I put on myself to improve my health and further my goals. There is more than one post here about “productivity.” It worked, but it was also unsustainable and damaging. There are aspects of what I did that I idolize, but reflecting now, I don’t believe that all of them were essential to my success but simply added suffering. One example of this would be the cold showers that I would take almost every day. While I did find them refreshing, it made every shower unenjoyable. I am now factoring enjoyment into my equation for productivity. I no longer see enjoyment as extraneous. Instead I see it as a balance. I must not neglect myself or overindulge. This is what I’m learning now. I often find myself on the ends of extremes. And someways it is easier for me to absolutely restrict pleasure than to give myself a healthy amount. I recognize now that my best, healthiest, most productive, impactful self exists within this balance, not on either of the extremes like I once thought. It might’ve been required in this past season of life to exist on the edge, but no longer must I live that way. No longer should I live that way if it is a meaningful future that I want to have.

I have also been thinking about all the support that is in the world given out to those that are “in need.” Unfortunately, I found that those in need often struggle to find the support that’s looking for them. Ironically, those that do not need the support as much often take full advantage of it. I was thinking, how can a homeless man be nowhere to find the donated food if he cannot find the shelter? How can someone apply for grants when they’re working full-time to pay their bills? How can people educate themselves when the education that they need limits them from the beginning? This is on my mind because I signed up for a program that helps college students save by promising to match a simple savings goal. I was able to complete it because I already have a solid understanding of what it means to save, so I took advantage. Those who struggle to say or have neglected the program because of their lack of education and lack of knowledge, that I am fortunate to have, are denied support—they are earned no match reward. They do not progress, but I do. How many thousands of dollars have I lost by not applying to scholarships because I never learned how? How many opportunities have I missed simply because I didn’t even see the door? There are many people in this world that have achieved ‘excessive’ levels of success. Because of this, there must be a lot of people desperate to help others in need. Despite this, it seems like the struggle is as desperate as it ever has been. This is just another compounding advantage that I’ve been thinking about.

Talking about advantages, I feel like my eyes have been opened to all the limitations that I placed on myself and the foolishness that many subjugate themselves to attempts for identity, denial, simplicity, or belief and something that just isn’t real. This is especially true among people who are successful because their success blinds them to their inabilities and their shortcomings. What if we cut out all the fillers? What if we optimized the biggest levers while maintaining a joyful life? What if we just did all the right things that we know we should and were able to adapt immediately to updated information? If we let go of all the irrational fears that limit our progression? What if we did all this well being the happiest person we can imagine? What if we realized all the blessings and, even in times of struggle, focused on the endless joy of life that is the existence of many living now? How far do you think this person, this imaginary figurative person, would go?

To finish this week, I will add something personal. I had a ‘hard’ conversation with my mother. As I grow as an adult, with my mother with more life experience, I have been able to reflect on the relationship. I have become old enough to question and critique my parents. With this comes the new challenge of navigating the growth of not only myself but also how my changes interact with these relationships. I am continually forced to adapt to the new experiences and innovations of education. This poses a challenge because I cannot expect or in any way demand my parents to change at the rate I wish they would. They have lived twice my life, so they have cemented behaviors and beliefs. Additionally, they both have pains and traumas brought on to them by life. Events of others, especially during times before I was alive, are hard for me to relate to, but it is not fair for me to ignore. Going forward, I will learn what I can from their knowledge, demonstrate my success, offer advice and motivation, and give my parents all of the love that I can. This is my responsibility as a son and future father.

This is all that I have this week. One more week, and then we will be shifting it to something new. This has been Tristan! See you next week! Bye!

Hello and welcome back! This week we have a few distinct ideas inspired by assignments and experiences this week. Let’s begin!

As someone who rarely plays the game, it is easy to forget that the objective in chess is not to claim the most pieces. The objective is to capture the king. Efficiency is not the battle with the most casualties; it is in fact the opposite. Referencing commonly known history, imagine how many lives could have been saved had Hitler been captured in 1941. Two standoffish kings can selfishly lay a board of pawns beneath them. 

I listened to Modern Widsom episode #795 this week. All of the episodes that I have been listening to the past couple of weeks have been very insightful. Too insightful, actually—I neglect to write meaningful ideas down when I hear them, and I end up forgetting many ideas that I wish to retain. To introduce you to this episode, I will share one idea that I really enjoyed. The idea of setting goals not for the approval or in competition with others but for oneself. This is likely not the first time that you have heard something similar to this idea, but it reminded me of my own personal goal of better distancing myself from achieving what I think others want me to achieve. It reminded me to practice not seeking validation from others as my source of satisfaction. Instead, I would like to learn how to be enough for myself. If you have the time, this is a good episode.

I just wrote the previous paragraph, forgetting that I had already written the following:

I want to mention my self-observed characteristics and links to my childhood that they might have originated from. Episode 795 of Modernwisdom has a great conversation on ‘running your own race’ and living life towards meaning and happiness. There was a time in that conversation where I reflected on both the way I learned to perceive myself as someone superior to most and the independence forged into me. I do not know exactly when I transitioned from feeling like a kid who was more or less ordinary to someone with high self-expectations. I never remember feeling like I fit in, but I vaguely remember feeling insignificant, just human. Maybe this insignificance is a disconnect that is a product of childhood, but I have a warped sense of significance now. I found some things easier than most others did, but I also struggled in my own ways. Maybe it was the positive reinforcement that created a self-fulfilling belief that has made me into who I am now. Maybe I never changed, and I am the same person I always was—the same person that I always would have become. The person I am now is someone who feels like his life is not accomplished unless I do the remarkable. Ajoined to that is the independence that makes me feel like I alone must make these achievements. I am presently wrestling with these ideas, so I wanted to write them down. Thank you, Chris… I am genuinely appreciative.

I am reading “Slavery and Justice.” More on that later, but I was just thinking about how long it will take for the “entropy,” the progression of society towards equality and homogeneity, to shadow the oppressive sin of the past? There will be a time, even if it is in a million years, on a different plant, when slavery in the United States of America will be forgotten. All racial colors will assimilate into one, and the next evolution of man will either rise, have risen, be reevolving, or have been self-expelled from the universe. From what I am seeing about reparations, the logical and cautionarily cynical side of my opinion fear that it will take until this time for the sins to be “atoned.” I do not know if time can atone for sins, but it might be the only remedy with which we as a greater, diverse community can agree. Time, the inability of our history to produce a redress during the most available time, is the nail in the coffin, and so time might be the only grace left. Time does not atone for crimes of abolish sin, but it slowly shifts everything towards the future, something new, something further from the past. We, as disenfranchised people or we, as a community of interdependent humans, should not pray for amnesia, but the time for action has priority in the past.

I am on the fence when it comes to reparations because I would never claim to be “the disenfranchised.” I share the class with my fellow men of color, but I do not identify with the loss of privilege. There was a time that I did, but for me personally, that time is in the past. There is no atonement, in the form of monetary reparations, that would advance my life any more than it would any man in America. I cannot say that the same is true for the generations before me or many of the children still affected by the cyclical generational subjugation cast on colored peoples across this country and across the world. If there is a line, I think that I have crossed it, but it would be selfish of me to stand in my comfort and ignore the many still bearing the weight of the past. Moreover, as I continue to consider my position, I must recognize that I still bear the weight—the weight on my grandmother’s shoulders and my father’s alike—that is also mine to bear somewhat. However, I have reached an equilibrium, a point at which my appreciation has surpassed my setbacks. I am one of the lucky ones… My experience is not unanimously shared, even for those who work their whole lives in its anticipation… This is my fortune, so I am on the fence. More can be done, and maybe, although it is not fair, I am in the best position to contribute self-sacrifice. I have a unique ability to transcend barriers that might prohibit many others. The fact that my past does not mirror my present gives me a distinctive ability to do something different. Towards this motive, I am compelled, but I must further evaluate what this means to me and what it will mean to all those I might interact with.

Through my limited experience and understanding of the world, I believe that everyone, regardless of identity, should be given the help that they ‘need,’ but I do not believe that the human social world will ever be fair or that every human will effectively utilize the help given. You can lead a horse to water… Having read the Salavery and Justice Report, I am very doubtful that any form of individualized reparations could ever equitably be given to any one group of descendants, regardless of the crimes committed against their ancestors. “There is neither wealth nor wisdom enough in the world to compensate in money for all the wrongs in history” (Brown University…) As cruel as the past was, it has unfortunately become a selfish proposition to request something for which no living party attended. I think that we should use the collective privilege of our nation to help all the underserved communities, indifferent to the past—we should not help a color or an identity but help those in need. This includes all those disenfranchised by the past and in the present. This at least supplies an agreeable action that will better our whole nation. This is a compromise, yes, but asking for more is both unrealistic and counterproductive for both sides. I support putting out my hand to any man or woman that is willing to cling back and pull. Indiscriminately offering our hands towards our fellow humans is the solution I propose.

“Slavery and Justice” 

The Report of the Brown University Steering Committee on Slavery and Justice – First Reading Response Prompts and Responses:

• How does this history challenge your previously held conceptions and understanding of the transatlantic slave trade? Of “the North”? Of Brown itself?

My previously held conception of the slave trade afforded me a more narrow perspective of the business that was the commodification of human beings. Reading about the voyages, and specifically Rhode Island’s involvement, I was reminded that the slave trade was an atrocity that will forever plague United States history, but that our nation’s involvement was only one component of a much greater web. When studying American history, my experience in classrooms has focused on the history of the men, women, and children once they arrived in the states. This, I have learned, is only a small fraction of the enslaved population and only one piece of a narrative that literally spans the globe. Additionally, my perceptions have been challenged because many of the experiences that I have had when learning about slavery vilify the south and give virtue to the north. Although the north did ultimately fight for the abolition of slavery, as illustrated in this report, “Slavery and Justice,” many crimes were committed in the north, and even if not directly, nation-wide, many businesses were built from slave labor, regardless of the exact geography of where the labor was performed. All this to say that the way in which I originally learned about the fight for abolition is disingenuous to reality. They have always existed, both men and women, that have been opposed to slavery. Such cruelty cannot be unanimously dismissed, but absolute innocence can be given to no group—the north, the south, Brown, or any other establishment that coexisted in the environment that housed slavery as its neighbor. The perceptions of these groups now, in the modern day, are the topic of conversation; being honest about our history and incorporating it into how we evolve as communities is the challenge. Personally, my conceptions of institutions such as Brown University have not been tarnished as a result of being educated more about the past. The world has traveled around the sun too many times since the 19th century for me to connect the spiteful emotions that the acts of slavery should elicit. Blatant consequences exist from the past, but this history was before me. Regardless of how I might perceive the past, it is unforgettable—the past makes the present, and presently, there is still much work to be done. I believe that this work must make primary the obstacles of the modern world, for it is what we do now that I believe our conceptions should be defined. We have the knowledge, hindsight, technology, and ability of millions before us. Our responsibility is not to draw negativity from the past but to use what we have gained to inspire positive conceptions for the future.

• One of the labels that is often attached to New England’s relationship to slavery is “complicity”: what meanings does that word convey? What does it illuminate and what does it obscure? Are there other terms that better express the nature of moral responsibility for acts of violence that might be perpetrated thousands of miles away in one’s name or for one’s benefit?

It seems to me that the use of “complicity” is a way of admitting guilt without accepting the entire responsibility of the action. This is an admission to having done something; in the case of slavery, this is accepting that crimes were committed, but it creates a divide and obscures the severity of the crimes. There might exist better terms, but the significance of the expression of responsibility is lost once the “perfect” term is required. Unless we speak to exactly what happened and why it happened, a term will always blur reality. New England’s relationship to slavery was not complicit; New England engaged in the sale and trade of African lives both domestically and internationally for profit. I believe hiding behind words will further distance both sides from the original intent of the conversation, if that intent is to be progressive towards community and ultimately global remediation of the past.

This is all that I have for this week. This has been Tristan, the one and only. Bye!

Citation

Brown University Steering Committee. “Slavery and Justice | 4. Confronting Slavery’s Legacy: The Reparations Question.” First Readings: Brown University’s Slavery and Justice Report, 14 July 2023.

Idea that all people have a set point, a destined level of achievement, that they drift towards. Some will overachieve; others will underachieve. I believe that we are all in a current guided by our mind and the modern world to which we are born. I believe that it is the simple outcome of a complex equation, mixed with the unknowns of our universe’s mechanism of probability, that produces the future of all individuals. We are given this equation at birth; somewhere in between a predetermined outcome and the flip of a coin, we ride the wave of enviability towards what destiny has for our fate. How hard do you resist? Can you fight this current?

Referencing Modern Wisdom Ep. #788 (46:00): Going around a roundabout that has your exit closed off and not taking an exit. No matter how fast we drive, we will be going in circles. If we aspire to proceed, we must take an exit and find a new path to the destination we long to arrive at, if that destination even exists. It reminded me of the quote about recognizing and admitting we entered the wrong door instead of spending our whole lives in the wrong room. The beauty of both of these analogies is that they appreciate the fact that going in the wrong direction is not failure. The failure is not adapting. This is very freeing, especially as I transition into a new stage of my life. I am opening a lot of doors. I am going to be given many roads to travel, but none of them are the right or wrong answer to my desitination. Only the next move matters—the now is forever gone.

Adding to that analogy, I was reminded this week—in my hours of driving through Austin—about the “fastlane ediqeite” that I have observed. I mentioned this in blog #40, but it is so much easier to stay behind someone else, even if they are going slower than one might desire to go, because the passivity of following is much less engaging than having an empty road ahead. I think that this extends far beyond driving. I have noticed it from my own experience. As I have recognized my own agency and defined the reality of my own locus of control, there is a new energy required to define the path. It might not be fun or enjoyable to follow a strict degree path, but it is easier than continuously engaging with the meaningfulness of my education. The decision is in my hands; no one is leading me or limiting my pace but me. I can punch the accelerator and go 100 if I desire. The wisdom I gained last semester is that I can choose to go faster than everyone around me. My vehicle allows me to go much faster than the speed limit, but their are associated risks. Not only can the world challenge me in unexpected ways, but if I do not give myself time for maintenance, I will eventually breakdown. In an undramatic display, I broke down at the end of this previous semester, and I am still recovering from the damage to this moment. In reflection, I had no other option but to floor it. I have an option now, so I will remain vigilant about my desires and the pursuits that occur as a result. Have you been in the fast lane before? Have you seen an open road recently?

I am moving my stuff right now, and I just thought about all of the hiccups that I could run into today. We often fear this won’t go right, but that is when we adapt and find a new solution in the moment. That is all life is anyway. The best we can hope for is 80% of the plan to succeed. Anything less than that is loss. Anything more is fortune 

“This year has been like hammering on the green. Things went by so quickly.” What does this mean, I do not know exactly, but it was a quote from a dream that I had. In the dream, the monologue was so eloquent and meaningful. My memory of the words said is a discounted interpretation of the fragmented idea that remained upon waking. The significance, however, is tied to the fact that it comes from a dream. The meaning is an analogy to the ease with which a nail can be hammered into fresh, vegetative earth. It is to convey the brevity and smoothness of a nail entering soft soil in contrast to the expected stubbornness of wood. Honestly, this one is kind of lost. I thought it was interesting to be able to quote a phrase from my dream. I have incredible and vivid dreams that enchant my unconscious mind with the most wonderful ideas and fantastical images. The horror is that all of that beauty is lost to the light of day. I try to maintain some reflective practice that allows me to record or document what I can remember, but I can only record what I remember. I can also not easily record the imagined visual, emotional, or drawn out experiences. In my mind, it is a world of its own. It is a vast world that comprises my aspirations, stressors, fears, traumas, invisions, expectations, desires, and creativity. A world of its own.

“They say that everyone has their own idiosyncrasies, right? Each person has their own share of flaws. There is always something about them that can give rise to criticism.” (Oshinoko Ep. 7) I have been watching this anime, and just like my step-father mentioned when he recommended it too me, it is pleasantly surprising. This is another anime, but it is somewhat of a new viewing experience for me, and I am enjoying it! I think about this quote very often… not this specific quote, but the message it relates to. I think ‘perfection” is a very polar ideal. It is an ideal that can possibly never be met, but in the quest, the quest for perfection, something is lost. This, in my mind, is something of a yin and yang situation. For the absolute for which me am seeking, the general ambition of perfection, we must sacrifice novelty. We must sacrifice the abstract beauty of mistakes. Within human social development—idiosyncrasies—we can never simultaneously be the best of every type. For example, from how I see the world, peak confidence does not come with bountiful humility. They may exist on different spectra, and I personally believe that they do. I also believe that they are fatalistically linked. In a similar sense, I believe that political ideologies are fatalistically linked. A ‘right’ or a ‘wrong’ do not exist. Our world is made up of a four-dimensional pendulum that seeks balance but has no preference. Up and down on an infinity of seesaws, forever only going up and down, but at the mercy of change, that is time.

That is all that I have for this week. I expect to ‘discontinue’ this blog at the year’s anniversary mark. I have lost my motivation to write weekly posts, and I want to transition my creative writing and my overall artistic energies towards a new, personally more engaging medium. For this, I am preparing YouTube to be my new avenue of expression. Just like I mentioned above, I am in a room. This room is not right or wrong, but I am prepared to open a new door now. I am prepared to take the exit. It has been a wonderful teaching experience and an incredible documentation of an incredible journey.

This has been Tristan. It always will be Tristan, the one and only. Bye!

Hello! Welcome back to another week. I have been everywhere with this blog, but I am back home, so there should be better consistency going forward. This week, I will mostly be focusing on episode #785 of my favorite podcast. Citation at the bottom. I will keep it simple: I am just going to be taking a few quotes from this episode and commenting on them. Let. Us. Begin…

“You want to find someone that is where you want to go, where you want to be, and then you just find a way to create enough value to go in their world” (48:00). I think this one is simple, but it should not be easily overlooked. It makes sense to me that most mentors—most people who have already gone through the experience and come out successful—are simply looking for younger, passionate individuals to share their knowledge with. As long as one brings something positive into the other’s life and demonstrates authentic enthusiasm, there will likely be someone there to teach.

“You’re enough, and you’re capable of much more” (51:00). I find this quote to be very meaningful because, for a long time, I have related capability with value. In order to feel like I was enough, I had to prove that I was extremely capable. I still have a problem now where I keep looking into the future and telling myself that at that point I will be enough. Once I have x and y, I will be enough. That game might reward success, but it definitely does not reward happiness—nothing long-lasting.

“I’m really trying to unpack, at the moment, the difference between holding yourself to a high standard and being grateful for the things that you’ve done…” 50:30. This one is difficult because it relates to being enough but capable of more. For me, it is so easy to forget all the work that I put in to get myself to the point I am at now. I guess looking into the future is more appealing than relishing in the past. Not only being grateful but also taking a moment to realize how those actions affect others can be very rewarding. 

“You could not turn that furnace off if I paid you” (54:00). This conversation was about internal drive. I think there’s a lot of value in this because I know I have personally feared regressing into my past self. The issue with this is that my past self was a child. He simply did not know what I know now. I know that my desire for success and all I wish to achieve will never disappear, but I fear losing my proactivity. I expect to continue going down the path, regardless of whether I want to or not. It’s like floating down a river. I know now, however, that once I pick up the oar, I can move faster than I ever previously perceived.

“Every time you lean into the fear, you get a little bit better and better at doing that. Everything we want really is on the other side of fear…” (1:05:40). I am realizing that I am a fairly anxious person. As I go into the next few years, it would be very beneficial for me to lean into fear. In many ways, I already have, but I recognize that there’s still cowardice inside me that does not serve my intentions. I have the rationale to logically perceive my fear, but this is definitely something I need to work on. This is something I’m very curious about. All humans have base modalities, and I am curious how far I can shift mine. This is talked about in depth in relation to introversion in Susan Cain‘s “Quiet.” I also wonder and somewhat fear that if I change my modality, my personality will shift alongside it towards an unfavorable direction. I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t want to lose the person I am now for a person that I think might be stronger. I do not want to assume a different outward-facing persona for my honest self. I guess this is another risk of exploring and living.

(1:18:00) The idea of not trying being real failure. I believe this to be one of the fundamental truths of experience and growth. Aiming for something and not hitting the target still puts an arrow on the board; it still trains the archer to shoot his next shot. Doing nothing when there are things to be done is the antagonist to success because it is stagnation.

“Even the absence of things can still be them controlling you” (1:41:00). I like this because I have always had a poor relationship with food, and even when I have taken control of my dietary habits, I am guided by restrictions and absolutes that resign control from my human. True mastery and control over bad habits and addictions only come from being susceptible to the substance and still immune to its detrimental effects.

 Anything worth doing is worth overdoing… Be completely devoted, be all in on the thing, or do not do the thing” (1:41:30).This idea is nothing new to me; focusing on one goal instead of ten, I have found, is the most effective when developing mastery. The only stipulation that I might add is that mastery of one subject often requires the diverse knowledge of adjacent subjects. A master swordsmith cannot force the perfect blade without knowing how to wield the sword. He will struggle to understand the weapons use if he does not understand war. If he does not understand man, he cannot understand the significance of artistry in a tool designed to take life. If he works alone, he will never understand the competition; the desire to improve will be minimal, and innovation will be limited.

Additionally,

So much of our young lives, we are forced to do things to impress our limited school friend groups, to obey our parents, and to satisfy the demands that society places on students in America. I am finally being given the freedom to do the things that I like to do. Maybe I always had the freedom, but now I finally feel like doing what I like to do can be the “right decision.” I have had to press myself to live in a way that demanded actions outside of my natural skill and liking, just to prove that I could do it. I said that I would never do that again after this application cycle, and I do not. There will always be things that I need to do and do not want to do, but it is my decision on the frequency and demand that I must now give. An interesting freedom that I could not look in to see. Only now that I am inside can I look out and see my past limitations.

This moment, in the rain, might be the peak of my life. I have everything that a 21-year-old boy could dream of and the potential for much more. Ai. I must take a moment and smell the iris.

I got another interesting idea from a friend related to the butterfly effect. He is progressing through his early levels of internet success. He recounted some of the people in his past who influenced him. Without those people, he would not have had the success he has now, but those people are more or less forgotten, their possible value dismissed. They might have been invaluable to the story’s progress but were ultimately forgotten. One butterfly is often forgotten in the wake of a hurricane. All of the people who set up the path to the greatest successes are often forgotten. I think it is so sad, but also so beautiful. It is like little—in the moment, invisible—sacrifices that give life to something greater. How can we each be given and give life to incredible futures without being seen? Time’s lost magic. Nameless donor’s investments.

That is all I have for this week. Thank you all. This has been Tristan, the one and only. Bye!

Citation

Williamson, Chris, host. “#785 – Jimmy Rex – The Reality Of What It Takes To Become A Better Man” Modern Wisdom, Spotify, 18 May. 2024, https://open.spotify.com/episode/1SkAxTqjj95VXdVhpzFjMB?si=474545ffbcfa4ab8. Accessed 16 July 2024.

It is officially over; I am back home from Japan. I arrived in Japan on June 10th; my language program ended on July 28th; and I returned home on July 9th. It was an incredible month of making new friends, exploring Japan, eating food, struggling to communicate, getting sick, managing my studies, and taking moments to enjoy life.

I am back now, and I cannot help but compare and contrast our two countries. Firstly, I can now appreciate living in a country with the official language being my first language, and I am happy to return to the conveniences of living in my house (not out of a suitcase). I am definitely going to miss the convenience of being able to walk and use public transportation. Also, with the conversion rate of USD to Yen being $1 to ¥160, the affordability of local foods was amazing… As long as you don’t try to buy grapes or cantaloupe, fruit is not affordable in Japan.

I had a lot of fun on this trip. Unfortunately, I cannot vacation forever—I have responsibilities and a waistline to manage—but I am taking with me new knowledge and friendships. 

Now that I am back, I will be prioritizing all of the essential preparation for my upcoming fall semester. I need to reestablish a few habits and tie up any loose ends. I will finish as many projects as possible and prepare to move. Going back to an old idea, I am going to line up my next steps to allow me to have a limited number of priorities. It might seem contradictory, but doing less correctly can be much more than overloading. I have not tried it, but I think my downfall last semester was overloading myself with things that I did not want to do. There are many projects that excite me, and those are the ones that I might overload myself with. However, I do not wish to push myself as hard as I had for as long as I previously had. With so little time to take care of myself, I was unable to sustain that lifestyle. The effects were appearing in my daily energy levels, decreasing control over my diet, and the corrosion of my mindset. Even now, I am left with recurring anxiety. I did not go to war, but I feel like I developed a form of PTSD as a result of the chronic stress. I am fine. I just need to get into a stable routine with some form of balance. I am working on that now.

For the rest of this post today, I want to talk about dating. This is a subject that I do not think I have spoken much about. To be fully transparent, it is not something that I know much about. It really isn’t something that I know anything about. I have spent most of my life being overweight and insecure, so only recently have I been seriously open to finding a girlfriend. While in Japan, I made the decision to download a dating app. I feel like I have to defend that last sentence, but I just want to share my opinions. I think dating apps are very superficial, and many are businesses that prey on the loneliness of single people for profit. Having said that, I also think that online dating offers a simplified and accelerated medium through which two lonely people can find a relationship. My experience is limited to Bumble. Additionally, I have only used the app in Japan. Without a doubt, dating apps can be the most superficial platforms that exist today. They are very artificial and, in many ways, dystopian and inhuman. Again, conversely, I believe that many “traditional” forms of hooking up or meeting people are subject to many of the same flaws without the convenience that online dating is expert. 

For most guys and girls, there exists a very limited population of partners when interacting exclusively face-to-face. Opportunities to meet new people are limited, and a dozen barriers exist between two strangers. First, the two people must have a reason to talk—an introduction. Hundreds of potential partners might walk next to me, but most of them do not even see my face, let alone get to know my name. Then there are the circumstantial boundaries, such as individual responsibilities and life events. Maybe two people are perfect for one another, but one has the priority of school, so the timing ruins the spark. Or maybe they are already in a relationship at the time, and interactions are limited. Then the two people, in addition to being interested in one another, must both be looking for a relationship. Finally, we get to the dreaded friend zone. Two people can get along very well, but transitioning from friend to dating—especially when one of the above is unknown—is both risky and challenging to navigate. 

What online dating does is allow people to skip past many of these boundaries and start conversations with people that they know are interested in a relationship. Like anything convenient or easier, online dating has its caveats, but there is a superior effectiveness that can be utilized when used strategically. At the end of the day, I think it is just another tool—although sharp objects are dangerous and can be used for the wrong reasons, preparing dinner without a knife is challenging. The real question is whether the same dinner can be made with or without a knife. It is possible that the convenience of the knife produces an unsavory meal or one that is unappreciated. In many ways, the effort put into the process can be valued more than the product itself. A relationship that has taken years to develop naturally will have something that a match on Bumble lacks. Is this something valuable or an ideal that exists as a relic of old traditions? I do not think that the lonely boy cares. I believe that most relationships are a net positive, so let’s play the game that gets us to dinner! No? 

That’s all I have for this week. I will keep you updated… or something like that. Japan is new and old. A wonderful adventure! That is all I have for this week. This has been Tristan, the one and only. Bye!

I think one of the deterrents to me learning to master any one skill is the significance that mastery places in that one skill. Mastering something is a commitment, and it signifies that I value furthering my knowledge about a subject in which I already have some understanding. For this mastery, I am giving up something that is new and unknown. I have to commit to something with fleeting mystery and wonder of surprise for something that is nothing but that. Maybe it is this decrease in wonder that makes me less interested in pursuing skills beyond competence. I like when things are new. There is a bliss in discovering a new world. Looking too long, I eventually see the broken seams, the stain, and the faults. Maybe it is that with mastery, one must sift through and accept the inevitable downside of the domain. There is a possible untold wonder that comes with mastery. One that I do not know and can only assume.

I think I am beginning to know what it means to be bold. My heart is so soft. I do not know what it means to be unreserved. Fear guides me. This is safe, but I am missing aspects of life that I desire. I am not locked into being any one character or person. I am naturally inclined to be this way, but that does not mean that I should avoid change. I must caution myself because I have a tendency to jump to extremes. I know that I am not satisfied with who I am now. I do not want to be fragile. Can a man be a kind warrior? A giving heart of steel? I end up adding to this a little later this week. I am just trying to find me. To find myself, I have to first find what I want.

Is it wrong for a “great” man to be selfish? In every generation, there has been a collection of humans who have the combination of ability and drive that allows them to achieve remarkable feats. If these men are rare and valuable to all humans, present and future, can they not be afforded selfishness? If one puts out more, should they also be entitled to take more? The argument for the fairness of this question intrigues me. I am drawing direct comparisons between this and the elitist, capitalist world that we live in. However, at its core, this goes beyond any form of political or social structure. This relates to the basic principles of survival. This is the competition, the hierarchy, in which living things with limited resources might forever continue to compete. The counterargument that I see opposing this idea is the collective nature that our “developed” societies invariably depend on. There is no CEO with an assistant. There is no company without employees. There is no food without farmers. There are no utilities without collective infrastructure. I guess the question then becomes: Can a great man be self-reliant? When talking about those that are written about in history books and those that are remembered throughout time, I would say no. So few men are even born into a world where self-reliance is an option or consideration. To most, the immediate decision would be an irrational inconvenience; why not use the support and infrastructure that conveniently exist? For the most part, I think this is a good thing, but for the sake of this argument, how can a man be selfish as a result of what he’s done when his achievements are not his alone? Having said that, however, few are capable of leading the army in the battle. Many can hold a gun and sacrifice their lives. I believe pride shall not be lost in neither, but there is a disparity between the two groups.

I believe I spoke about Japan two weeks ago… or 2 1/2 weeks ago. My posts have been a little inconsistent while I am out of the country. I don’t remember exactly what I said, and I don’t want to reread it right now. As I continue my experience, the more I realize that Japan is just another country. Japan is a beautiful country and one that I have come to greatly appreciate, but it is not the fantasy that I once might’ve conceived it to be. I am unsure what my expectation was, and I haven’t been disappointed, but I feel like a lot of the magic has disappeared. I think I’ll forever appreciate the level of pride, respect for others, care, and efficiency with which I have observed. From these and more, I’ve learned a lot that I plan to carry with me as I establish my own personal culture. I believe now more than ever that no one place on earth is perfect. I also now more than ever fear my own imperfection, but I am optimistic that I will reach some ideal… one day. This trip is giving me many experiences and ideas that undoubtedly bring me closer to what I am looking for. Whatever that might be.

As I develop into the person that I want to be more and more, I am questioning who I am repeatedly, consistently, without pause. I figure that the best person I can be is my natural self. Unfortunately, I am not as static as to have one mood. I also have a little confidence in defining what is authentically me. I’ll find him, or I’ll continue to live in turmoil. I am not completely in the dark. I think purpose brings out my authenticity. Once I get back into the flow, chasing my goals, or once I form a relationship that allows me to live not only for myself, Maybe then I can uncover more.

That is all for this week. As I signaled earlier in this post, I was a little late this week. I will most definitely post every week until I reach the year mark, and then I will evaluate how I plan to continue this blog. I might soon shift my focus to another outlet, such as my YouTube channel. 

This has been Tristan, the one and only. バイバイ

I am going to keep things brief this week. As you will read later, I got sick. I have also just been in another country, so I gave myself some unfamiliar leniency this week. I love it, and I hate it. Enjoy!

My random thoughts this week:

That moment when you do something and wonder why you didn’t do it sooner. I try my best to jumpstart or be proactive about both the small and the big tasks that I need to complete.

I am trying to evaluate what causes me anxiety. Is it the fear of failure? the loss of energy to work? The loss of precious time. or maybe even a few, that success will cause me to lose that which I love most. In this moment, I can only do or refrain from, cowering from, my future. A predetermined reality is not exempt from possibility, but I disregard my mistakes as solely my own. Withhold reality’s pain as my own, independent of the cruelty that is life itself. Despite my awareness, despite the meaninglessness that deep down correlates to the possible existence of reality, I continue to fear. Fear fear itself. My fear, I fear, fears the fear, and I’m afraid.

It’s been a while since I’ve been sick. However, there are some comforts gained from these moments that are superior to many others. It felt that way… until I developed a chronic sinus headache from my runny nose…

There is someone that I want to talk to, but I don’t know who they are. Do you know who it is?

Are you motivated by the act or by the consequence given as a result of the action?

Host Family Experiences

My host family experience was far from perfect, but I made unforgettable memories. Being a true 外国人, I lost my train ticket on the way to my host family’s home. From the very beginning, my host sister and her family were very nurturing and genuinely compassionate. Having to experience the hour-long train commute after school each day made me appreciate and reflect on my own experience with my daily commutes in Austin. The cultural and systemic reliance on cars in the United States makes daily train rides a foreign commodity that I am quickly becoming accustomed to. Throughout this whole experience in Japan, my perception of what Japan is has been challenged. Personally, I have come to the conclusion that, in comparison to the United States, Japan is neither superior nor inferior, but this country is just another region of the Earth inhabited by familiar humans. My host family’s home was charming, and from their balcony, an incredible view of Itami Airport and a calm river were displayed. We made takoyaki from scratch that night. I really enjoyed making takoyaki with my host family. Concluding the night, we watched Japanese television, watched anime, and shared music. I prepared for bed, and before going to sleep, I remembered to give them my cross-continental gift. The whole family enjoyed my Texas memorabilia and snacks. That night, I developed a fever, and after an adventurous morning to the beautiful blue Shiunzan Nakayama-dera Temple and the local mall, I had to be driven back to the Kansai Gaidai University dorms. Yes, a short but very enriching experience in a country with which I am newly acquainted.

私のあたらしいかぞくといっしょにたこやきをりょうりしました。ねこがいます。ねこのなまえはチップーです。日本語のみのアニメ、ワンピースのえがをみました。土曜日の朝私はなっとうあじがしました。ゆずきさん「私のホストシスター」はなっとうが大好きです。大本山・中山寺にいきました。そのあと、ぎょうざとあったたかいうどんをたべました。おいしいでした！

I will start this week off by talking about the three types of confidence that I have observed over the past few days. The first two forms I’ve observed in my classmates. The last one I’ve observed in myself. The first form of confidence that I have observed in my classmates is what I might call compensatory confidence or unsecured confidence. This is a confidence that aligns with ego to produce someone who comes across awkwardly. Despite the awkwardness, I am unsure how the scales of this confidence effects lean (in favor of or against this individual’s desires). The second is a confidence that arises from a lack of insecurity or a resignation from the consideration of how one is perceived—this might be a “childlike” confidence. Most young children are not yet self-conscious or have the mind to consider what other people think of their actions. Adults who act like this are often childish, but not exclusively. Some personality types are further detached from external pressures, and some learn to create this distance. This leads me to my final observation: this is the confidence that I have observed in myself as I continue to foster experience. The world is big, but I am learning that it is not complicated. Even in Japan, where the culture is unique and the language is foreign to my own, I still observe the same framework that I am beginning to believe is foundational to all life, not only humans. I am beginning to see through the superficial plane of consciousness that we often pretend is absolute. What does this mean? I am unsure if I can explain it now, but this is the special meaning we perceive as humans, the value we often give to emotions (feelings that have no existential meaning), and the pretty colors we paint over the dark universe in which we exist. Underneath it all, there is something that is both simplistically beautiful and repulsive, and dreadful. I think of the mix of emotions that I get when I think about the internal organs of the body. Impressive, miraculous systems that fill me with a taste of disgust. Blood is what we are; I am afraid of blood on my skin.

On my run yesterday, I also had a thought of the heterogeneity that the world is destined, with progress, to experience. I believe that human culture, with the development of technology, is destined to erode as advancements are made. I am beginning to form a theory that culture is a temporary artifact of our imperfect intelligence and our imperfect, momentary manifestations of need. In a world of endless expanse where undiscovered land can be developed into idiosyncratic communities, culture exists, but as time creates advancements, with the increase of intelligence and the densification of people and computing, culture homogenizes, and the imperfections of society (culture) are tamed. Only if new colonies emerge or there is a destruction of the old, the way I see the world now, it cannot perpetuate. I fear the changing future, but I also accept its inevitability. If our world were truly endless, I believe this inevitability would be avoidable, but the earth that we live on is restrictive. The thing that I find most challenging is the question of where we go from here. I feel like we have three options: remain ignorant of future advancements, submit to the law of humanity, or self-impose regression, destruction. The answer might already be decided.

This week was short, but I enjoyed the conversation. I think I’ll end it here for today. This has been Tristan. It always will be Tristan. See y’all!

Additionally,

No matter where you stand, two rocks in the garden will always be hidden.

Are you someone who appreciates tradition or innovates? The world seems to seek both groups.

Hello

Today, I want to do some deeper personal thinking.

Earlier, I was thinking about my mother. I will get back to that in a moment.

First, I want to talk about Japanese. I had lunch with my volunteer coordinator because today was my last day working with him (6/5/2024) and I told him that I am learning Japanese because I like anime and because I like challenges. Just now, while completing an assignment, I was imagining showing my mother my work and probing a ‘wow’ response. I want to say, and I will say, “How did I end up here? Did you ever think that your son would be studying Japanese?” Doing a little bit of psychoanalysis on myself, I wonder if I like challenges for the challenge itself or for the way my accomplishments cause other people to react. Having any significant accomplishment instills confidence. I know that, but deep down, I do not know if I do it to prove something to myself or to prove something to others about me. The answer might not be so straightforward, but I am in the process of discovering myself and what I really love. I like being an impressive human. I think that most people like to impress others. Some people live to play status games. I do not know if I am quite one of those people. I might very well be, but I have not identified myself yet. 

Japanese is just an example, but I set high standards and goals for myself around the board. Continuing with Japanese, I know that a primary motive for learning the language is because I enjoy the media and Japanese culture, but I know that that is only one of my motivations. I am challenged by the way learning Japanese as a second language makes me perceived by others. I despise the idea of telling people that I know the language just to impress them, but I crave the feeling of having skill, having mastery, of challenging things. It is almost like armor, in a sense. It is almost like a hidden weapon. Similar to how a party trick can be concealed for that one special moment in the friend group, I do fantasize that one day I will surprise people with my Japanese fluency. Humans are social, and many of us are competitive. I do not think that it is wrong to want to impress people, but I debate with myself whether it is a reliable source of motivation. At the end of the day, does it really make me happy or make the world better?

Going back to my mother specifically. I was deeply considering the thought of what reality for me would be like if I lost my mother. It is a difficult thought for me, especially since I am an only child who was raised in her single parent’s home. I have always been fairly detached from my emotions. I am a very emotional person, but my logical, functioning side remains distant from my emotional side. This is the way that I was born. This is the way that I have been conditioned. I acknowledge that this allows me to do incredible things. I can push myself in ways that many people struggle to. I can make sacrifices that many are unwilling to make. The curse of this blessing is that I am rarely immediately aware of my emotions. I am not a psychopath; I feel deep emotional excitement and pain for both myself and others, but I often have to actively evaluate how I feel. Intimately thinking about the world where I exist without my mother is almost unfathomable, yet I feel like I take her loving presence for granted. I am also practicing gratitude, and there is no one I can possibly be more grateful for. Having really come into my own and begun down a path that is uncertain but confident, I am relieved. I am relieved because I know that if my life were not organized in the direction it is, the inevitable loss of my mother might destroy me. Regardless, it will destroy me, but I believe that I am gathering the support that will allow me to eventually recover. I have evaluated the hazards of life that can derail a person, and death is one that I fear the most. I fear it because I know that I am currently powerless against it, especially when it comes to the lives of others. I am strong, but add death to the list of life events that could break my mental security. Connections like the one I have with my mother are so deeply integrated into my perception of the world. Along with my semi-detachment from emotions, I am living naively. The world will change, and I have to anticipate what is inevitable. I have to anticipate it and do my best now to give my heart to what is important.

Sitting in the international wing of the Los Angeles airport has offered me a new experience. I was just thinking about how close I am to every part of the world in this one terminal section. I could be going to any country. I could have never left America (the U.S.). The mix of Spanish, Manarin, and accented English is something special.

Still in the same LAX airport 24 hours later… I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s pretend I didn’t spend a day of my life alone in an airport. Airport food is some of the most expensive food around in any city. At least for the portions and quality. I recognize this markup as a quick waste of money, a trick to sap money out of the desperate, trapped souls on their airborne interloops. Inherently, it seems like a waste of money to me. I thought as I was walking down that I need to find my own business where I can charge others, as most businesses do, for convenience. I thought of this, and then I challenged my frugality. I can’t spend $10 more on a sandwich, but I can afford to spend a day in the airport? That equation does not work out. I am focused on savings, but I need to see income more. The invisible sums of money lost by inaction, if realized, would make most small savings, like food, seem petty, which I am now realizing they are.

Another side of this is that I am too self-sacrificing. I want to do incredible things, but I will put myself below others. This is profoundly different from putting others before myself. I will cheat myself on what I have earned, on basic pleasure, and on common human niceties, and then I will expect the most out of myself. I wonder why I feel so short when I am cutting myself to the root at both ends. I need to be kinder to myself if I ever want to do more for me. I am one person, but I am a person who feels as much as any other. Why can I not be first sometimes, feel happy to be awarded, and take joy from the victory? The no-pleasure, no-reward life is not living at all. I do not know another way. Again, I am so disconnected from the moment. I do not know how to enjoy it. Everything is a means to an end. Live man! The world is before you!

Wait, I can just enjoy life? I do not have anything to prove to anyone? I said that I would no longer live for the approval of others. Fail, make mistakes, be foolish, and smile 😁. This is human. This is you. Is it not?

Kekoi-San was the name of the man I spoke to on the plane. He was nice.

This is all for this week. This has been very therapeutic. This has been Tristan. It always will be Tristan. Bye, you all! You guys, too!