I think one of the deterrents to me learning to master any one skill is the significance that mastery places in that one skill. Mastering something is a commitment, and it signifies that I value furthering my knowledge about a subject in which I already have some understanding. For this mastery, I am giving up something that is new and unknown. I have to commit to something with fleeting mystery and wonder of surprise for something that is nothing but that. Maybe it is this decrease in wonder that makes me less interested in pursuing skills beyond competence. I like when things are new. There is a bliss in discovering a new world. Looking too long, I eventually see the broken seams, the stain, and the faults. Maybe it is that with mastery, one must sift through and accept the inevitable downside of the domain. There is a possible untold wonder that comes with mastery. One that I do not know and can only assume.
I think I am beginning to know what it means to be bold. My heart is so soft. I do not know what it means to be unreserved. Fear guides me. This is safe, but I am missing aspects of life that I desire. I am not locked into being any one character or person. I am naturally inclined to be this way, but that does not mean that I should avoid change. I must caution myself because I have a tendency to jump to extremes. I know that I am not satisfied with who I am now. I do not want to be fragile. Can a man be a kind warrior? A giving heart of steel? I end up adding to this a little later this week. I am just trying to find me. To find myself, I have to first find what I want.
Is it wrong for a “great” man to be selfish? In every generation, there has been a collection of humans who have the combination of ability and drive that allows them to achieve remarkable feats. If these men are rare and valuable to all humans, present and future, can they not be afforded selfishness? If one puts out more, should they also be entitled to take more? The argument for the fairness of this question intrigues me. I am drawing direct comparisons between this and the elitist, capitalist world that we live in. However, at its core, this goes beyond any form of political or social structure. This relates to the basic principles of survival. This is the competition, the hierarchy, in which living things with limited resources might forever continue to compete. The counterargument that I see opposing this idea is the collective nature that our “developed” societies invariably depend on. There is no CEO with an assistant. There is no company without employees. There is no food without farmers. There are no utilities without collective infrastructure. I guess the question then becomes: Can a great man be self-reliant? When talking about those that are written about in history books and those that are remembered throughout time, I would say no. So few men are even born into a world where self-reliance is an option or consideration. To most, the immediate decision would be an irrational inconvenience; why not use the support and infrastructure that conveniently exist? For the most part, I think this is a good thing, but for the sake of this argument, how can a man be selfish as a result of what he’s done when his achievements are not his alone? Having said that, however, few are capable of leading the army in the battle. Many can hold a gun and sacrifice their lives. I believe pride shall not be lost in neither, but there is a disparity between the two groups.
I believe I spoke about Japan two weeks ago… or 2 1/2 weeks ago. My posts have been a little inconsistent while I am out of the country. I don’t remember exactly what I said, and I don’t want to reread it right now. As I continue my experience, the more I realize that Japan is just another country. Japan is a beautiful country and one that I have come to greatly appreciate, but it is not the fantasy that I once might’ve conceived it to be. I am unsure what my expectation was, and I haven’t been disappointed, but I feel like a lot of the magic has disappeared. I think I’ll forever appreciate the level of pride, respect for others, care, and efficiency with which I have observed. From these and more, I’ve learned a lot that I plan to carry with me as I establish my own personal culture. I believe now more than ever that no one place on earth is perfect. I also now more than ever fear my own imperfection, but I am optimistic that I will reach some ideal… one day. This trip is giving me many experiences and ideas that undoubtedly bring me closer to what I am looking for. Whatever that might be.
As I develop into the person that I want to be more and more, I am questioning who I am repeatedly, consistently, without pause. I figure that the best person I can be is my natural self. Unfortunately, I am not as static as to have one mood. I also have a little confidence in defining what is authentically me. I’ll find him, or I’ll continue to live in turmoil. I am not completely in the dark. I think purpose brings out my authenticity. Once I get back into the flow, chasing my goals, or once I form a relationship that allows me to live not only for myself, Maybe then I can uncover more.
That is all for this week. As I signaled earlier in this post, I was a little late this week. I will most definitely post every week until I reach the year mark, and then I will evaluate how I plan to continue this blog. I might soon shift my focus to another outlet, such as my YouTube channel.
This has been Tristan, the one and only. バイバイ