There’s this old feeling returning to me again as my schedule allows me free time again. I worked so hard the past year that I am entirely burned out. I started out feeling invincible, and as I’ve gotten closer to the end of this semester, in many ways, I’ve been broken: my motivation, my personality, my health, and my perception of the future. The feeling I am talking about is the feeling of not wanting to do anything that I reach when I can no longer focus on studying, and simple pleasures like watching shows bore me. In those moments, although the reality might be different, I just want everything to pause. In those times, I can take very little, and I want nothing. I thought I had escaped this feeling, but I must be mortal. Splintered is a good word to describe how I feel. The sense of weakness makes me weaker.
Chapter 79 of “Elon Musk,” “I decided I would rather be burned out than bored.”
I just completed the most difficult season of my life—yes, I’m extatic! I want to rule the world. Let’s see if I am made of the material.
I am going on a vacation! Yes, it is party time. I am turning the big 21! (Don’t worry, I do not drink.) I just want to learn how to relax so that I can be my best when I get back. Earlier this week, I was thinking about how I had rationalized the lack of pleasure in my life to be without major negative consequence to my productivity. Obviously, the less time we spend doing one thing, the more time there is to do another, in this case, work. What I didn’t factor in was motivation or hope for the future. If every day feels like continuous work, not enjoyable work at that, motivation quickly dissipates. This has led me to have the classic burnout symptoms. This is also very concerning because it has distanced me from being able to see the future that originally ignited my work in the first place. If I relentlessly push myself to the point that I can’t even see a desirable future for myself, how can I even begin to be motivated by all of the good that I can do for others through my actions? A large part of my motivation comes from a long-term future and from life, like the lives of my future children, which I have the ability to dramatically change now. Burnout breaks the chain that connects me to these motivators, leading me to question why I even began in the first place. I am not at the point where I have frequent reminders of my success; my dreams are still in their featile stage, so I have to maintain my evergy effectively and carefully. (I wrote this earlier in the week, but this is no longer true.) If I can continue to push towards my goals, everything that I have done will shine brighter. Let’s see if a weekend away will allow me to relax my nerves, unknot the driving anxiety in my stomach, and fade the persistent shadow beneath my eyes.
My random thoughts this week:
- Is intelligence the thoughts, the actions, or the interaction between the mind and the world?
- There will always be an excuse, even for heinous acts. There will always be a celebration to excuse a break, a hardship to excuse a wrong, and an idea to justify another.
- If it tastes good and is in an unprocessed form, in proportion, it is good, yes?
- The human body always prioritizes the short- to mid-term over the long term.
- Living in a sterile environment weakens the body to the pathogenic external.
The rest of this post is written by the Tristan who has been given acceptance to university and is on vacation. Now, let’s cut to the new me. Nothing has physically changed. Well, not really, but I have been afforded the opportunity to live a dream—if nothing else, my perspective will be forever changed.
I have always felt a grander meaning, and I am fortunate enough to be given the ability to give this world everything that I have. I am writing this paragraph on May 11th, my 21st birthday. My life is wonderful. I mentioned that “I want to rule the world.” Well, the red carpet has been laid at my feet. The real work begins now. It is time to once again reimagine myself, edge out my weakness, and open my heart. This is the time for wonder, for challenge, and for immense learning. This is the time that I write my name in the book. I will write my name as “the beyond exceptional man.” These words ring themselves into the stone of my mind’s untold place, and now the world will be given a preview. This is my life, and I am born again!
I am going to get back to my vacation. I was so distracted that I am posting this a day late. Maybe that is okay. The purpose of this vacation was for me to unwind and relax. I have discovered, as I am writing for my blog now, that I am not good at turning my brain off—a gift and a curse. I hope everyone had a good Mother’s Day weekend. I am going to enjoy breakfast with my mother.
Thank you all! This has been Tristan. It will always be Tristan! Bye bye.