Hello, one and all!
Today has no one big focus; I am just going to share some ideas that I have been collecting over the last couple of weeks. Sound good?
Starting off, I have been learning about cyberpunk literature from the 70s and 80s. In my English composition class, we have recently read the short stories “The Girl Who Was Plugged In” by James Tiptree Jr., “Burning Chrome” by William Gibson, and “Branded” by Lauren Beukes. I have learned a lot about science fiction over the past couple months. There are two ideas that I want to study more. The first are simulacra and hyperreal theories written about by Jean Baudrillard. The second is the idea of Cartesian dualism introduced to me during this unit in class to help guide the conversation about the themes of transcendence found in the short stories mentioned above. For today, I mostly just want to introduce the two for future posts. These two ideas are both heavily related to the psychology of man. As I have learned the basics of psychology, the interactions between the mind and body through my anatomy and physiology courses, and gained my own experience, these topics have become more relevant to me. This is where I will leave the conversation for today.
I have not taken the time to flesh out the thoughts, but I have been putting thought into the ideas of free will, the meaning of life, and eternal return (a term I just learned the name of).
It is probably best to not think about it because the answer will always be inconclusive, but I am a curious man, and faith motivates our species, so I will continue to ponder. Setting the hypothetical reality where there is no free will in our universe and that we live in one continual, unchanging loop, I have questioned what that means for my life. On the scale of the universe, my life is a brief dot, but expanded over an eternity, this percentage of time becomes irrelevant, at least to my consciousness. Would this mean that every moment, every pain, and every pleasure of my life I will one day unknowingly re-experience? That one day, on a new but the same timeline, I will retype these same words like a movie recording? The other hypothetical is that there is a multiverse, or a randomness to the universe, but I know that the reality in which I am living exists, at least to me, so there is proof that this timeline exists at least once. If it can happen once, in either eternal return hypotheticals, it could happen again and will happen again if the system is eternal. This just brought the idea of time into my mind. If we think of time as a dimension, our reality might be an illusion. All of eternity might, to a being living in a higher dimension, be set, This might be like any physical object that we know in our world–unimaginably like any object that we know in our world. Regardless, this is my thinking:
If this reality is likely to repeat, it provides me with a few points of meaning:
- In one form or another, everything is eternal, and adding the idea of time as a physical dimension, neither the past nor the future is ever lost.
- This reality in which I and the consciousness that I have been given exist might be the only experience that will ever exist for me.
- As I mentioned above, in a fixed, deterministic universe, all the good and bad of my life are forever.
There are other conclusions that can be drawn from this. I would like to read your ideas, if you have them.
From this, I have built a simple faith: my faith is based on the reduction of suffering. If there is any reality to this theory, any suffering experienced is eternal, as are any positives or achievements. Depending on how we look at our lives, this can be a very comforting thought or a very dreadful one. Despite the reality of this, my goal (or my hope if the universe is deterministic) is that my life be more pleasure than suffering. If this is true, I might be living in an eternal paradise. If this is false, I might be living in a hell. What a twisted paradise it would be, but I think it beats fading into nothingness and being lost with the end of the universe—the other hypothetical. The question then becomes: how do we maximize pleasure and/or minimize suffering? This is the question that I think almost all religion boils down to, so maybe all of the theory is irrelevant. Some attempt to achieve this through devotion; others attempt it through surrender. At some points, these two overlap, and at others, they are polar opposites. For now, I think a good place to start is by doing my best to live in the moment when I can and to correct my perspective to feel as much appreciation for my life as possible. I know that sounds all idyllic and unrealistic because it partially is. Also, from this idea, I can see the argument for the most radical ideas being justified, but those ideas are not how I wish to live. This is where I will leave it for today.
Getting away from the deeper thoughts and back to the physical, I began my run on Tuesday, and I immediately realized that my body was highly fatigued. I knew that I have not been resting well the last few weeks because of my schedule and current lifestyle, but it became so clear to me just how broken down I am. It is difficult to compare mental fatigue over time because the tool that we are using to measure is the tool that we are measuring. With running, I can precisely compare the pain in my joints, the lack of energy in my muscles, the stiffness in my front deltoid, and the decay of awakeness. On top of this, over the past month, I have put on about 12 pounds. This weight gain is mostly intended, but because I have been unable to maintain my workout schedule and because my sleep has been suffering, my hunger, diet, and metabolic activity are also suffering. I can see it. I can feel it, and I am experiencing the difference. By the end of March, I should be able to realign myself, and by the end of May, I will finally have the knowledge and time to begin forging the next path. Exciting times are ahead of us indeed! Are you excited?
This is Tristan of Sunday; I was quick to project into the future above… I guess that I am struggling to cope with the present. On a positive note, using my compression sleeves this week has made a significant difference in my knee fatigue. I can no longer neglect using the support that helps me. This does not end at knee sleeves.
A new part of the “lifestyle” that I mentioned above is a change in my sleeping arrangements. Do not get the wrong Idea…
I was put into the position where either I paid for the bed that I have been sleeping on for the last couple years or I find a new solution. I found a new solution. I bought a $50, single size, three inch mattress. For a while, I have been interested in sleeping on a Japanese tatami mat. I decided to go with the more affordable memory foam mat because this is short term, and this felt like a good middle ground. It is scary how indoctrinated Americans are into believing that each bedroom needs a multi-hundred dollar mattress. In line with my rebellious ideology, I want to experiment to find the line between practicality and privilege. I will not lie, this change has no doubt been horrible for my sleep the last couple of nights. As I adjust and acclimate to the new setup, I am interested in the results. I will keep you updated.
This is Tristan of Sunday again, I have adjusted to the new sleeping arrangement. Controlling for all of the other factors affecting my sleep, there is no major difference between the mattress and the mat. Both are memory foam. The main differences are that I am now on the ground, the support is more firm (less foam), and the width of the mat is much more narrow. I can no longer sprawl out, but I also no longer have a bulky mattress in my room. I am enjoying the change right now. I am very attracted to the minimalistic style, but I am mostly doing this out of necessity right now. I do not know what this will lead to in the long term. My environment is a major factor.
I was going to mention this idea last week, but I decided to postpone the thought. I was going to postpone it again this week, but I will put it out here. This is another idea that was inspired by my English class. I am curious about the idea of living a life that does not conform to one stereotype or category. What if we did not define ourselves by the actions that we took but instead by the way that many different experiences made us feel? Instead of defining ourselves into a category to conform to a pre-established idea, what if we do not define ourselves? Do we need to have a narrative to have a stable mind?
I got this thought while we watched the film Fear and “Loathing in Las Vegas: The High Water Mark” movie clip. I have only watched this short clip. Thinking about “hippy culture,” is it impossible to embrace this free style of life and simultaneously follow the order of business and mainstream society? This is another idea that I will leave here for now.
I will end with one final idea: as I write for college applications and begin to present myself differently, I keep questioning authentic and pretend personalities. In the book “Will” by Will Smith, Smith discusses method acting and its real effects. That idea has stuck with me since. If someone pretends to be a good person, and all of their actions reflect that narrative, are they pretending? If someone starts out cold and selfish, can they ever be good-hearted, or are they eternalized as what they once were, always an actor otherwise? We might question the value of emotion and intentions. If someone feels one way and acts in response to that feeling (all human action), can any feeling determine reality? To anything outside the mind of the individual, reality is absolute. From an external perspective, there is no truth vs. pretend, there is only one absolute reality expressed. Here, I define whether someone is pretending or living a facade—it is determined not by what they do but by what they believe about it themselves. If a person is under the complete self-delusion that what they are doing is who they are, they are not pretending. If a person believes that their actions do not reflect their feelings, they are pretending, but this only influences the individual. Not having confidence or identity will undoubtedly affect expression, but the output to the world from someone who is pretending and someone who is genuine does not have to be different from an external perspective. This is my roundabout justification for doing what I think is good for myself and the world. If I push myself too far outside of what I believe and am beginning to do harm, I can readjust, but if I am doing good and being positive, why slump back to a past persona?
I recently realized that I am someone that does not use who when I should. See what I did there? I am a who, not a that! This has been Tristan. It will always be Tristan. I will see you all next week. If I sparked any ideas or objections, please share them. I am here for the conversation! Bye Bye!